I hate reality, but it is still the only place where I can get a decent steak. [Woody Allen]

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blo od supply to run both at the same time. [Robin Williams]

Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. [Woody Allen, 1935-]

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather gave me this watch on his deathbed. For fifty bucks! [Woody Allen]

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. [Woody Allen]

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. [George Best, British football player 1946-2005]

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out. [Mae West]

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. [Mae West (1892-1980)]

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just make darkness the standard.

Arthur: "It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to my mother."
Ford : "Why, what did she say?"
Arthur: "I don't know, I never listened."
[Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]

We'Ve Been Through So Much Together, and Most of It Was Your Fault. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

My mind is made up, so don't confuse me with facts. [Anonymous]

There is a theory that state: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizzarly inexplicable. "There is another theory that states: "This has already happened..." [Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"]

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. [Douglas Adams]

I remember a time in the wilds of Afganistan. We lost our corkscrew. We were forced to live on food and water for many days. [W.C. Fields]

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. [Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965), reply to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!']

'Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!'
'And if you were my wife, I would drink it!' [Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965), replying Lady Nancy Astor's continuation]

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. [Bo Derek]

The Beatles want to hold your hand, but The Stones want to burn your town! [Tom Wolfe]

I'm still an atheist, thank God. [Luis Buñuel]

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. [Paul Harvey News]

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. [Samuel Goldwyn]

This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. [Doug Hofstadter]

If you want a guarentee, buy a toaster. [Clint Eastwood]

Butthead:"You are going to get fired Beavis." Beavis:"Yeah, fire, fire." [MTV]

Butthead:"You look pretty cool with that beard Beavis." Beavis:"Yeah, me too!" [MTV]